This fall, I took a job as an assistant professor at a university that is very serious about welcoming diversity. To that end, I've attended seminars addressing topics on racism, sexism, and so on, but this information (while useful) is, unfortunately, too general to be of much use in the particular problems I'm having in the classroom. However, thankfully I know I can count on all my wonderful friends and distinguished colleagues here at Knews to help me through these troubling times--please, take a moment to help me address my dilemma.

Here's the deal. Despite my committment to tolerance and my utmost ablity to fight my own prejudice, I just can't get over my fear of a few minorities here on campus. I'm talking about those students who creep into class when no one is looking--those students who are deathly pale and do not show up in class photos. I'm even more alarmed at what I assumed at first to be merely an unfortunate bit of dental neglect--fangs. These are the students who ask me if they can take a break for "blood" and who sneak up behind me when I'm working in the office and take a snack--right from my neck! I realize how much temptation the veins in my neck must offer these folks, but--honestly, I don't get paid for this. I hesitate to use a word I'm sure must be politically incorrect, but these vampires are scaring the bejeezus out of me. I don't want to hang garlic from my neck or office door for fear of seeming insensitive, yet I feel I'm putting myself at risk for HIV or worse from these constant, unauthorized "blood transfusions." I only received a break last week when a water fountain broke. Almost half my class was absent that day because they claimed they couldn't cross a little stream of water to get to class. Honestly!

Vampires aren't my only problems, though. I'm also dealing with some rather hirsute students who have been exhibiting some classroom behavior I can only describe as "disruptive." Well, I think I can do a little better than that: "@#$39$@ disruptive!!!" I don't know how many times I've been engrossed in my lecturing, making valid and insightful points, when suddenly my monotone is pierced by a bloodcurdling howl from the back of the classroom. I'm not talking about the typical "woo!" I hear when I announce the class will not meet next week because I'll be away at a conference. I've talked to these students (privately) about this problem--which, oddly enough, only seems to occur during full moons--but they just presented me with notes from the Student for Disabilities that said something about "lupus" and urged me not to get upset. Has anyone else had this problem?

Finally, and perhaps most alarming, is another student who was irritating me by constantly listening to his ipod all during my lecture. The audacity! He also didn't seem to get the subtle hints I've been dropping about this, such as "This isn't ipod time; this is Barton time, take those off at once or face my wrath!" However, I wasn't prepared for what I saw when I decided to attempt to remove those earplugs myself. THAT WAS NO IPOD. The device was hardwired directly into the student's temples, apparently to keep his otherwise lifeless body in some state of crude animation. I apologized, but the student nevertheless went on to rather elegantly cri about how he would soon "ascend my funeral pile triumphantly, and exult in the agony of the torturing flames." He said more, but all I caught was something about "my spirit will sleep in peace," which I thought might be a snide comment about my lecture.

I'm open to all advice here. I'm also at my wit's end. Help. Thank you.