For the past few months, glmaranto and I have been peering into the sinister world of Facebook and MySpace, uber-important “social networking sites” for kids of all ages. After exploring these sites for awhile, we’ve been experimenting with different metaphors to help us better understand what’s going on here. One that keeps returning is cruisin’, or driving up and down a little “strip” with other teenagers. If you haven’t ever engaged in this rather peculiar teenage activity yourself, suffice it to say that it has a lot more to do with being seen than in socializing. There have been plenty of films documenting the behavior, though I guess American Graffiti is probably the most well known.

So, how are MS and FB like “crusin?” Well, let’s take a look at the sites for a moment and go from there. First off, for an academic, FB is probably far more preferable, because MS tends to run giant ads on the page featuring scantily clad (and provocatively posed) young females. Not exactly the kind of thing you want in your ol’ tenure file. Nevertheless, it seems to be more popular. The typical profile is setup to draw attention to the image of the person. The topic of how to get a good image is a constant one—if you haven’t seen MySpace the Movie, check it out for a hilarious example. MySpace also offers lots of other self-promotional tools, such as a blog where you can post all about which profs you think are hot (yeah, right) and the current drugs you are experimenting with. If you get really into it, you can create a page like my friend Jaime, changing up backgrounds and even offering an mp3 for visitors to listen. What Top40 joint really lets the world know who you are? You know, that unique stable-self person you are and all. They’ve also borrowed a page from all those self-understanding survey sites so popular in the late 90s. That’s right—you can let the world know whether you like roller coasters or held a gun, as well as all your “interests,” which are mostly neatly organized into forms of mass media. Books? Is that still considered mass media?

I suggest putting all Star Trek and Dr Who-related stuff in these categories, or you might be a victim of folks soliciting you for wild passionate sex.

FB is a slightly different ballgame. Sure, there’s still the emphasis on the image and favorite TV shows and the like, but the first thing that pops up (at least on mine) is my “political views.” Of course, it’d take a bit more than a word to define my political views, but that’s the point, right? Shut up and apply a label to yourself, you unique “no one in the world’s like you” stable-self (stable as in neigh, neigh). And so it goes.

One neat feature on FB is the infamous “wall,” where folks can drop by and write a little message—the kind of thing they’d write in your high school yearbook if you were the type that went around collecting signatures. Actually, year books are another of the metaphors we’ve been working with, and it definitely shines here.

Both sites place a lot of emphasis on searching, which is where the “social networking” comes in. The idea here is that the system will somehow pull together all these self-declared facts about you and use it to help you find similarly deranged people. You’re endlessly classified and labeled (barcode tattoo optional), and that makes it easier for other people to find you. There is a strong “match-making” cast to this, of course, but it also has to do with having the nicest GTO on the block. How many friends do you have, Cap’n Matt? Uh, geez. Only 11 on Facebook, and that’s mostly other profs!!

One of the interesting questions that comes up concerning FB and MS among profs is whether they should let their students add them as friends. This seems to be of particular worry to younger profs, who don’t care to have students “macking” on them online. I mean, isn’t putting yourself on FB or MS an open invitation? (C’mon in, the baby oil is fine?) Since I’ve put up these accounts, I’ve had maybe three students try to add me, and they were all female. At first I didn’t think anything of it, and let them add me, but then I started getting a bit worried. I went to their profiles, and there were lots of, shall we say, images of them engaged in behavior unbecoming to a student? You know; slamming shots of Tequila and the like. I guess the “hardcore” partiers were the only ones with the gumption to try to add “Dr. B” to their massive database of delinquents. Not that I wasn’t flattered. W00t! But, let’s be realistic. They had to go. Now, I only accept non-students, whether they be my own friends from wherever or other profs and teachers. And no, this isn’t entirely safe either. There are plenty of wacky profs on there who like to present a somewhat less formal profile to the world than the average Mrsrsrs. Grundy (that Miss-rizz-rizz with a capital RIZZ, ma’am). You guys would make Caligula blush.

Finally, there are other similarities of FB and MS to cruising. Let’s take the “poke.” On FB, if you’re too lazy to actually send someone a message, you can “poke them,” which is rather like blowing your car horn and waving to a fellow cruiser. Next time they log in, they’ll see a little message that such-and-such poked them. It’s just a quick way to see if someone is still alive (after all, if they’re not facebooking or myspacing, for all intents and purposes they are dead).

Ah, and the networks! With MS and FB there are networks of networks, networks in networks, and networks between networks. It’s a cinch to get lost in these labyrinths of databases, these shopping malls of identity, these Wal-Marts of paradise. Just think of it—all this code existing just to help you hook up! Heavens to Murgatroid, if I’d had something like this in high school, I’d be…Hm. Dead? Or at least in jail. Is there really much of a difference between jail and grad school? I guess you eat better and can watch TV in jail, so it wouldn’t have been that bad.