Click here for the photos. With captions. I took more, but they didn't come out, or they were more embarrassing (my photographic skills, not the people in the pics!)
Sigh. Every year it's the same old thing--go to 4C's, spend way too much money, sorta talk to like fifty people, get praised, snubbed, and just generally wish I didn't hate myself for secretly wanting to just go up to whoever and introduce myself and fitfully rise to a tolerable level of mediocrity. I mean, if you have to go up and introduce yourself, isn't that a sign that you're not doing something right? Alas, I caught myself thinking of that great Smiths song over and over again: "Why should I smile/at people who I'd much rather/Kick in the Eye" and "Why do I give valuable time/To people who don't care if I/live or die." Play it again, Sam.
It's really weird at these things when you're surrounded by friends at one moment, and having to tear yourself from one interlocutor to the next, and feeling quite full of yourself...And then be wondering around at lunchtime and feeling like the biggest jerk because you're eating alone. Maybe it's just some kind of psychological thing, because it doesn't take long for me to get in such a funk at these things. At least I wasn't the only one this time--at least one other dude was saying how lonely he was there, and how he didn't have anyone to even drink a beer with. Funny how you can feel important enough to fly all the way to NYC, and then just be glad you have some other chump to drink a beer with (but not get drunk, because the presentation isn't quite finished, or whatever).
It's also funny when it's only at those lowest moments that I kept running into the very people I was trying so hard to avoid; folks who have rejected me in some way and who I really didn't want to appear in front of, all sad and lonely looking. Yet there they were every time, like buzzards in the desert.
High points...Seeing Charlie, Brad, Lanette, Liz, Lee, Dennis, and other good friends, and meeting Sarah, Mark, and Scott. Fun times eating too much pizza with Scott and Co. and wandering around Queens with Bob (we now have plenty of inside jokes about The Possum). I also thought the 1UP SIG was great, and I met some devilishly fascinating folks there--definitely worth missing the st00pid publisher party for.
I didn't go to a single publisher party this year! W00t. Who needs free shrimp and liquor. You're drinking the blood of students, oh no...Heh, that soapbox just collapsed underneath me. I also managed to avoid any boring panels, even though I sat through some paper readers. At least they put some feeling into it. The celeb panels bothered me, because it seems like the closer you get to those types, the more you start seeing the sycophants, and hearing people ask "questions" that are just tacky self-promotions. Icky stuff. I shouldn't ask when Composition became "Cultural Studies Mini-Me," because that would just be so 2-year.
Anyway, I could ramble on for hours, but you get the general idea. Will the Big Easy be any different?
Guess I didn't get the memo
"I mean, if you have to go up and introduce yourself, isn't that a sign that you're not doing something right?"
...because I do this all the time. Also:
"I didn't go to a single publisher party this year! W00t. Who needs free shrimp and liquor. You're drinking the blood of students"
this is why I love your posts. I and a few CCCC-IP folks briefly crashed the Norton party, and I ate a few snacks, but that was it. More and more I have to have alone time. Almost every night I went back to my hotel room, kicked back with some TV and internet, and ordered food for delivery.
Oh, and:
"It's also funny when it's only at those lowest moments that I kept running into the very people I was trying so hard to avoid; folks who have rejected me in some way and who I really didn't want to appear in front of, all sad and lonely looking. Yet there they were every time, like buzzards in the desert."
I sincerely and emphatically believe we have ALL had this feeling. I had that same experience about a dozen times at 4Cs this year.
CultureCat
Clancy!
You know, I was just thinking when reading your post that I saw you at one point, and we said something like, "Well, no time now, but there will be plenty of time to catch up," but then didn't see each other again the whole conf. That just sucks, because I've known you about as long (and well?) as I know anybody at that thing. But I totally agree on the "alone time" aspect, and I'm convinced we're clones when it comes to walking down city streets and not sure if we should try to look too crazy or too confident so as not to get mugged or worse. I can only tolerate the insincerity and hypocrisy up to a certain point, and then I go all Catcher in the Rye and just want to hide somewhere and pretend I have superpowers.
I think what I'm going to do next time is just forget all about the bigwigs and trying to schmooze or network or whatever the hell you want to call it. I'm not self-righteous and I'm not "ambitious," as if sucking up to some puffy old gasbag is the road to riches or acclaim, and I definitely don't need a publisher's sponsorship or such-and-such showing up to my panel to make me feel valid.
I will say that I was glad Charlie and Brad showed up to my panel. I went to theirs, too, because that's what it's about. I'm tired of showing up friends' panels who don't bother to reciprocate. Even though I think Brad is probably the type who gets personally insulted at those "mean people suck" bumperstickers, at least he's not always hitting pedals to talk to somebody more important. And Charlie...I must say, he's my best conference friend in the whole world, and if it weren't for him, I wouldn't fit in. I think that will be my friend test from now on. If Charlie hasn't bought you a shot of Jaegermeister, I'm not going to have your babies, and that's final.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Check out Barton's gaming blog at Armchair Arcade.
Connection and Communication
This year was a bit different for me, because I was on a panel with three of my undergraduates (well, two undergrads and one December graduate). I wanted to make sure they didn't feel like I dragged them to New York and then kicked them out into the streets, so I spent a lot of time with them (remembering how isolated I felt at my first conference, and wishing that some of the people I kinda-sorta knew before going to the conference would have time for me).
So many good panels and SIGs (at competing timeslots), so many different groups heading in different directions for dinners... it can be a little overwhelming. I felt a similar way when I left my graduate program (where my PhD was in traditional literature, but the writing program was fertile soil for innovation in online instruction) for a TT appointment where I was hired as the technology expert (and thus had few people around to just chat about my work, and even fewer who really understood it).
Dennis G. Jerz
Jerz's Literacy Weblog
you were at mine?!?!
I don't remember seeing you in the wholly enrapt audience. Maybe you went and saw Bradley Dilger's? (Does he have one of the coolest names, or what? The first one, Bradley.
I don't get insulted at the "mean people suck" bumperstickers. I just like the irony of it all, even though there's this rumor that irony is dead. I'm just insulted that I'm not your best friend. Is it because I mistakenly and inadvertently called you John on that busy NY street corner? You're miffed, right?
Well, I won't see you at C&W, but hope to see y'all in New Orleans next year.
bradley || bleckblog.org
Nope
I didn't go to yours for some reason. Or did I? I guess we just ended up in the same audiences a few times. I'm too lazy to look at the program to see if there was a scheduling conflict. Oh, well. Guess I'm part of the problem, too!
Sorry, Pete!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Check out Barton's gaming blog at Armchair Arcade.